The Rules of Engagement

Wes, or should I say Captain Awesome, I enjoyed your recount of a Team Awesome Valentine’s Day. I am glad to see that Team Awesome is doing well and handling this time of separation in grandiose fashion. Now, being Big Brother that I am, and having a sincere interest in the long-term health and success of the Team Awesome relationship, I thought I would share some things with you. Let us call these things The Rules of Engagement*. Now some may not be ready to process such information at such an early time, but being Captain Awesome that you are, I think you can handle it. You may thank me later.

Rule of Engagement #1: Women do not have the same appreciation for the “cool” as men. This rule applies in all sorts of areas, from things as simple as birthday cards to stuff like cars and vacations.

The main alert to this rule is anytime you would introduce something with a phrase like “Wouldn’t it be cool” or “Hey, this one is cool.” When you think that, just stop yourself and reevaluate for a minute; replace “cool” with “manly” or “guyish” and if the sentence still works, then it is probably not going to pass as cool, no matter what you think. This rule is especially important to remember during wedding planning.


Rule of Engagement #2: Surprises are great unless you inform her that a surprise is coming; then it is mean and torturous not to tell her what the surprise is.

I know, this seems counterintuitive, women like surprises. However, once you have informed her that you have a surprise, to her it is no longer a surprise, it is now something that she would like to know but that you won’t tell. Of course, in your mind it is still a surprise because she doesn’t know what it is and boy is she going to be happy and excited once she finds out; unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way and you have only managed to be mean and tease her.

Rule of Engagement #3: If, for a special occasion (such as holiday, birthday, anniversary), you come up with a plan that you think to be the greatest romantic feat in the history of mankind that no one has ever even fathomed, chances are that it is probably not a good idea. In fact, it was probably fathomed, then developed, then implemented, and then failed badly enough not to be mentioned again, which is why you’ve never heard of it.

Rule #3 is in some ways a combination of Rules #1 and #2. This is because these feats of romance are usually a) a “cool” idea, and b) a surprise. These bundled together bring about a Rule #3. Now, fortunately, Rule #3 usually involves greater planning and allows for a system of checks and balances. If you are developing a brilliant romantic plan and begin to recognize it for a Rule #3, utilize your allies. The best course of action in this situation is to consult other women who know Princess Awesome quite well. Present the essence of your romantic feat to them (don’t give it all away, but enough so they have a good idea). Do not do this as a “getting their opinion,” then they may feel sympathy for you and tell you the idea is good. Just mention it casually in conversation, like, “Hey, I like your shoes, and I have the best humanly possible idea for Princess Awesome. [Plan goes here].” That way, their sympathy guard is not up and you will get a true reaction to the validity of your idea. I would recommend collecting at least two professional opinions; three if this is really, I mean really, the greatest idea ever. Of course, this does not guarantee success, but it will improve your chances. You must also sow your plan wisely to prevent rumors from reaching Princess Awesome, which locks you into the plan good or bad, and immediately puts you dangerously close to Rule #2 territory.

There are other Rules as well, but I like to call these the Big Three. You would do well to heed them. A falter on one of the Rules is acceptable periodically (see Team Awesome Valentine’s Day), but if you break them repeatedly, you may be party to Princess Awesome’s best Zidane impression.

*The Rules of Engagement continue to apply after engagement is over and are valid, frankly, for your entire relational lives.